The Third Sex

The somewhat provocative title of this post is a nod to Simone de Beauvoir's famous book, “The Second Sex”, where sex is a somewhat quaint word for gender.

As an aside, a quote that has stuck with me from that book is: “a woman finds her value in her reflection in a man's eyes.”

And: “a young girl is taught from toddler-age that she has to behave in a feminine way. She must not open her legs wide; she must make sure her skirt does not reveal her panties while she is playing with other four-year-old children... These norms are imposed by a congregation of much older women, who confine her with a multitude of rules that delineate feminine behaviour and un-feminine behaviour.”

Okay, back to my post.

If the second sex is female, and the first sex is male, what is the third sex? I submit that the Third Sex is the male that crumbles apart in a family context, when he navigates married life with a spouse. Suddenly he finds that his own boyhood has not prepared him to handle the storms in “adult” life. All his life he has whined about – and resented – his domineering father, and now, suddenly, he himself has a mewing infant in his arms.

Now what?

Is there an instruction manual for this?

As a quote goes (which I stumbled upon in cyberspace): a healthy love relationship challenges a man to grow in a way that is not comfortable for him, but which meets the needs of his partner. The relationship challenges the man to be a universe unto himself.

Alas, it is not the case that modern men – husbands and fathers – are unaware of such demands, it is that they feel unsafe to reveal their vulnerabilities. They are afraid of appearing weak before a nagging, contemptuous spouse. And frequently their workplace is far from being a sanctuary of kindness and goodwill.

Where can such men go for a feeling of Belonging and Acceptance, if not the home, nor the office? Can the church be a safe place?

Alas, churches today have become a place to parade flashy cars, expensive clothes, and a pretence that your marriage is okay. Men hold their wives' hands in the congregation hall, but as soon as they step out into the carpark, the couple is quarrelling.

Let me introduce a book into this realm of darkness and despair (which men face 24/7, with seemingly no refuge).

“Journey Of Manhood: A certain kind of man”. Written by Pastor Kirk Tan. (Sold over there, among other online shops).

From the blurb:

Confused men cause great problems. Families, churches and society will be gravely impacted. Three seasoned disciplers of men confront head-on pertinent and relevant issues that challenge men today.

“This book has the 'smell of battle'. It is real life filtered through the Word of God. The issues of godly manhood become clear and intensely practical. As a man, I need this.”

— Dr. Jerry White, International President Emeritus, The Navigators

Let me admit, The Third Sex was a click-bait-ey title I cooked up. What we need is not clickbaits, but real tangible hope for an entire planet of broken-apart men. (And for the partners and collaborators who are entangled with them, for better or for worse).

To riff off a celebrity astronaut – One small blog post from an obscure blogger, one giant leap for humankind. (That is my wildly fantastical hope, at least).

I challenge all humans to be concrete helpers instead of pontificating condemners.

As Jesus himself said: “Let he who has no sin cast the first stone.”

(For those who have not heard the above statement before, an elaboration is there.)

Thank you.

Further reading

#talmid