letter to a ten-years-younger self

Dear me,

You are struggling. You are struggling so bad.

You are in a desert. Humans appear, and you are scared. Your fear rubs off on them. You hiss and spit at them. They attack you. You flee.

Tomorrow it's more of the same. No end is in sight.

Your objective for every boiling day and choking night: to exhaust your physical stamina, and crawl up somewhere to sleep. You wish for a tranquil mind but it is beyond you. The next morning seems like a great grey cloud that only promises thunder and despair.

How did you ever get out of such a mess?

And yet, you did. Because I am here, talking to you. Nobody knows how you did it, except you and me. And God, the All-seeing One. It's a secret between us and God. And how much more polished you have become, over the next ten years.

Many people thank me, these days. They write to me thus: “You have helped me greatly, more than you know.” But they don't know how you looked like.

Thank you. Thank you for asking for help. That's the only thing that could have saved you. Thank you for putting your pride aside, and taking a bitter dose of humility. And yet bitter medicine cures us of painful illness.

Ten years later, your dis-ease is gone. (I give thanks to Jehovah Rapha: God who heals).

I know how you made it through. You stuck to two words: “fear God”. Yes, your decision has led all your “friends” and “family” to ridicule you. They mock you. They laughed at you, not with you. You felt so hurt when they did that.

But ten years later, many people envy me. They melt with rage to see prosperity in my life.

I want to tell you what I hear now, so that you may know that your pain has served a higher purpose. As Viktor Frankl says in his book, “Man's search for meaning”, (quoting a certain Nietzsche): “he who finds a Why, can tolerate any How.”

This is what I hear now:

Let nothing disturb you Let nothing frighten you All things pass away God never changes Patience obtains all things They who have God lack nothing God alone is enough

Relax. You are going to be fine. I am living proof.

You know what? Allies – supporters, helpers, encouragers – have appeared in my life. I am not alone. They will continue my work after my bodily tent crumbles back into dust, like all flesh inevitably does. You live on through them. (I will keep them anonymous to protect their identity).

And I – I am filled with wonder. You are a handiwork of God. (source: Apostle Paul's letter to the Ephesians, chapter 2, verse 10).

The most rare of flowers is the one that blooms in winter. – Anonymous

and, I can safely say this of you, though you don't know it yet, immersed as you are, in an ocean of suffering:

In the midst of winter, I discovered within me, an invincible summer. – Albert Camus

Thank you for taking the path less travelled. It has made all the difference in my life.

Let me end with a Psalm from the Bible, that is so real in my life, as I continue walking the path that you have put me on, ten years ago:

1 I will extol the Lord at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.

2 I will glory in the Lord;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the Lord with me;

let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;

their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;

he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,

and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the Lord is good;

blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the Lord, you his holy people,

for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,

but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;

I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

12 Whoever of you loves life

and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil

and your lips from telling lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;

seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,

and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,

to blot out their name from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The Lord is close to the broken-hearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 The righteous person may have many troubles,

but the Lord delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,

not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;

the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The Lord will rescue his servants;

no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Image credit: Mark Rothko (1960)