As an aside, a quote that has stuck with me from that book is: “a woman finds her value in her reflection in a man's eyes.”

And: “a young girl is taught from toddler-age that she has to behave in a feminine way. She must not open her legs wide; she must make sure her skirt does not reveal her panties while she is playing with other four-year-old children... These norms are imposed by a congregation of much older women, who confine her with a multitude of rules that delineate feminine behaviour and un-feminine behaviour.”

Okay, back to my post.

If the second sex is female, and the first sex is male, what is the third sex? I submit that the Third Sex is the male that crumbles apart in a family context, when he navigates married life with a spouse. Suddenly he finds that his own boyhood has not prepared him to handle the storms in “adult” life. All his life he has whined about – and resented – his domineering father, and now, suddenly, he himself has a mewing infant in his arms.

Now what?

Is there an instruction manual for this?

As a quote goes (which I stumbled upon in cyberspace): a healthy love relationship challenges a man to grow in a way that is not comfortable for him, but which meets the needs of his partner. The relationship challenges the man to be a universe unto himself.

Alas, it is not the case that modern men – husbands and fathers – are unaware of such demands, it is that they feel unsafe to reveal their vulnerabilities. They are afraid of appearing weak before a nagging, contemptuous spouse. And frequently their workplace is far from being a sanctuary of kindness and goodwill.

Where can such men go for a feeling of Belonging and Acceptance, if not the home, nor the office? Can the church be a safe place?

Alas, churches today have become a place to parade flashy cars, expensive clothes, and a pretence that your marriage is okay. Men hold their wives' hands in the congregation hall, but as soon as they step out into the carpark, the couple is quarrelling.

Let me introduce a book into this realm of darkness and despair (which men face 24/7, with seemingly no refuge).

“Journey Of Manhood: A certain kind of man”. Written by Pastor Kirk Tan. (Sold over there, among other online shops).

From the blurb:

Confused men cause great problems. Families, churches and society will be gravely impacted. Three seasoned disciplers of men confront head-on pertinent and relevant issues that challenge men today.

“This book has the 'smell of battle'. It is real life filtered through the Word of God. The issues of godly manhood become clear and intensely practical. As a man, I need this.”

— Dr. Jerry White, International President Emeritus, The Navigators

Let me admit, The Third Sex was a click-bait-ey title I cooked up. What we need is not clickbaits, but real tangible hope for an entire planet of broken-apart men. (And for the partners and collaborators who are entangled with them, for better or for worse).

To riff off a celebrity astronaut – One small blog post from an obscure blogger, one giant leap for humankind. (That is my wildly fantastical hope, at least).

I challenge all humans to be concrete helpers instead of pontificating condemners.

As Jesus himself said: “Let he who has no sin cast the first stone.”

(For those who have not heard the above statement before, an elaboration is there.)

Thank you.

Further reading

• 5 Challenges experienced by Christian Men today (https://www.communicatejesus.com/post/5-challenges-christian-men)
• How are your men doing? From “Pastoring Men” by Patrick Morley.
• Why is men’s ministry so difficult? by Warren Lewis (https://scruffywriter.com/why-mens-ministry-so-difficult/)
• Men’s Ministry Doesn’t Work by Brian Childres (https://medium.com/@brianchildres/mens-ministry-doesn-t-work-22a697fd7bd0)
• Network of Men's Ministries. Https://www.mmnetwork.sg/
• Just be a mentsch! That's the Jewish mother's traditional exhortation to her child. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/256382/jewish/On-Being-a-Mentsch.htm

#talmid

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” – Gospel of Matthew, chapter 5, verse 9

It is interesting how the Buddha has calmed down the warriors of two separate clans, who were on the verge of a war. (the story is there.)

I didn't set out to be a mediator. But, lest readers think more of me than my low estate, I shall keep the details of certain shenanigans to myself. Suffice to say that both professional workplaces and domestic abodes have seen their share of strife, whether overt or covert.

I have been working hard to find a peace-of-mind, which is so sought-after and yet so elusive. (Not even Prime Ministers and business-owners may find this peace-of-mind, though they may certainly boast of more gold bullions and nuclear bombs than me.)

And it seems that old friends have noticed this sense of peace and calm, when we re-unite after a few months of separation.

But I hasten to add that even my present-day circumstances is infinitely intertwined with the good grace of a Creator God who sustains each sun-drenched day – “grace” being defined as “unmerited favour”.

where to, next?

I dare not prescribe a path to peace-of-mind, lest readers try my prescription and then fail to see results.

I suggest looking to wise elders in your respective villages – or modern-day communities. As the saying goes: “when the student is present, the teacher appears. when the student is ready, the teacher disappears.”

The below are books that may be relevant.

1. “A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life”. by Jack Kornfield.
2. “All In One, One in All”. by Thich Nhat Hanh.
3. “The essential nectar: Meditations on the Buddhist Path”. by Geshe Rabten, and Martin Willson.
4. “How Good Can It Get?: What I Learned from the Richest Man in the World”. by Alan Cohen.
5. “Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype”. by Clarissa Pinkola Estés.
6. “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”. by Mitch Albom
7. “The imitation of Christ”. By: Thomas À Kempis, and Leo Sherley-Price.
8. “The conference of birds”. By: Farid ud-Din Attar, (commonly known as Attar of Nishapur.)
9. “Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyám”.

#talmid

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep; 'God is not dead, nor doth he sleep! The Wrong shall fail, the Right prevail, With peace on earth, good-will to men!' – H. W. Longfellow

I have never had a father’s protection from danger, and I have never had a mother’s tender touch.

Every passer-by could see I was lost and abandoned, but no one had the willingness to help; or, even if they had, they lacked the ability. They shook their heads, and said, “it’s sad to see this”, and then went on with their lives. Probably they have forgotten all about me, by now, and even at this present hour, they are caught up with their own workplace troubles and family conflicts.

Worse, robbers and thieves (who looked innocent and friendly enough, on the surface) started scheming, when they saw my defenceless state, and managed to steal my possessions, and took advantage of my body.

But God hears me when I cry myself to sleep on my pillow. He is my only Ever-loving Father.

Psalm 27:10: “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” (New Living Translation)

Psalm 68:5: “Father of the fatherless, and defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation.”

2 Corinthians 12:9: “I boast in my weakness, for when I am weak, I am strong.”

No one can stop God from loving me. What comfort this is! God is the undefeated in battle.

Jesus is enough for an orphan like me. I can hold my head high because Jesus loves me. As the song goes: “yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.”

Don’t be discouraged. If I can feel happiness, you can, too.

Jesus loves you.

resources

1. World Without Orphans. https://worldwithoutorphans.org/
2. The Bible with Nicky and Pippa Gumbel. https://bible.alpha.org/en/
3. “Alpha is an 11-week course...” https://alpha.org/
4. “When Spiritual Parenting becomes emotional codependency, it's no longer discipleship – it's dysfunction. This is a boundary that should never be crossed.” by: Chris Durso, pastor of Good Company Church. https://www.instagram.com/p/DJt49lvRTRB/?img_index=2&igsh=MTRka2x6ODRvd2R3Zw==

#talmid #lists

Can your mind process these opinions and come to a conclusion that makes sense to yourself?

1. “We are facing a pornography pandemic” by: Josh McDowell. https://saltandlight.sg/faith/we-are-facing-a-pornography-pandemic-josh-mcdowell/
2. “Can I ever be set free from pornography and masturbation?” by: Dawson Ng. https://thirst.sg/can-i-ever-be-set-free-from-pornography-and-masturbation/
3. “Facing up to porn addiction, the hidden third party in our marriage.” by: Sharon Tan (pseudonym). https://saltandlight.sg/relationships/porn-addiction-the-hidden-third-party-in-our-marriage/
4. “Surviving an affair” by Willard F. Harvey Jr.
5. “The real avenger: Christian song about struggles against lust and porn.” By: Gino Borst.
6. “What does God and the Bible say about masturbation?” by: Pastor Mike Novotny.

a rambling discourse, on opinions, follows hence

The world is a noisy place. Everyone has an opinion. And you know what humorous uncles say about opinions: 'it's like an anus. Everyone has one.'

Yet wars are started on opinions, and friendships are similarly broken through opinions: “I am right and you are wrong.” In the face of a differing opinion, people choose violence – verbal, physical, or otherwise – instead of being curious: “Oh, may I know what is informing your opinion? Let me investigate with curiosity. And maybe, just maybe, I would actually become more aware of your background, though I may still disagree with you.”

In the older days, the word “conversation” used to mean, “to turn with” – I switch my position, from my side of the argument, to your side. Actually, that's how I heard scientific knowledge is advanced: you have made an amazing discovery that contradicts my existing knowledge, and I thank you for that, because now I see that I have been misguided, and now I can benefit from this correction.

Instead, in this age of social media, people are just shouting over each other, and no one is really listening. That's a sure recipe for disaster in any society. We talk to each other, instead of talking with each other, and everyone is unhappy.

But this is nothing new. Centuries ago, Galileo was severely ill-treated by powerful people; he dared to claim that the Earth revolves around the Sun, in a time when the popular opinion was that the Sun (supposedly) revolved around the Earth.

As an older human says: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless yet be determined to make them otherwise.”

So I

#lists #talmid

Growing up through childhood trauma, TONY had always wanted to escape from his family. This trauma would follow him through the years as he slipped into depression and alcohol addiction during university.

But as Tony wandered and lay aimlessly in Chinatown in the middle of the night… God reached out to him. This was the start of Tony’s road to recovery, as he discovered the love he had longed for all this time was to be found in Jesus.

I am a victim of child abuse.

Growing up, I experienced physical and emotional abuse from my parents, who were always very strict with me.

While I recognise that some of these rules and restrictions were for my good, I found that my parents’ reactions and way of implementing these rules were often out of hand.

I had to obey rules like a tight curfew and sleeping by a certain time, and when I stepped out of line — they would tear my textbooks or sometimes even point a knife at me.

If I refused to obey any of these rules, my mum would often threaten to jump out of the window.

There were many times when this happened, and my siblings had to hug and drag her in to prevent her from jumping.

All these traumas in my childhood affected my psychological development. But I didn’t know to make sense of them back then — I didn’t even know that such family situations were abnormal.

I just felt that the world was a very cruel place, and I would often cry myself to sleep. I felt defenceless and helpless, like the world had abandoned me such that I had to go through such tragedies at home.

Loneliness and depression

Escaping from my family eventually became my goal as I grew up. I worked very hard in school hoping that I could get a good job in the future and leave the house.

I also thought that people would finally notice and praise me if I was able to achieve good results.

But when I eventually became the top performer in my school at 15, I realised that I had been chasing after a lie.

I still wasn’t happy. I was simply desperate for someone to love me. And I felt like I had to find and earn my way to love.

Eventually, I made it to university where I had the chance to leave my family through of an exchange semester to Taiwan.

That was the first time I got to live away from my parents. And I felt like I was finally free.

However, that feeling did not last long. As I spent the next few months in Taiwan, I began to feel lonelier and emptier.

While I enjoyed the experiences and sceneries there, I felt like I had no one to share the joy with. It was as if I had no one that I could turn to in this world.

After I came back, I soon spiralled into depression. It affected me so much that I had to take a leave of absence (LOA) from school.

During that period, I took up a part-time job to fill up my time. But I also started to get addicted to drinking and clubbing.

I felt like alcohol was the only thing that could numb the pain and loneliness I felt from my life, and I would often drink to the point of being unconscious.

Indeed, I would often find myself drunk and wandering on the streets in the middle of the night. That was just how miserable I felt about myself, as I withdrew from society.

Unlock my heart

This carried on until one night in 2015, when a stranger approached me while I was sleeping at a playground in Chinatown.

That stranger turned out to be a pastor, and he offered to pray for me. I still remember what he prayed for till this day: he prayed for Jesus to “unlock” my heart.

I didn’t know how to make sense of that prayer at the time; I was in disbelief. Yet, I somehow felt like there was a change in my heart, and I was touched by the sincerity and confidence of the pastor’s prayer.

Nothing much changed afterwards, but that was the prayer that planted the seed in my heart.

A few years later, I had another peculiar encounter with a staff member from an art gallery.

While I was visiting the gallery, she invited me to have a cup of tea with her. And when we were talking, she suddenly started crying.

She began telling me that the Holy Spirit had touched her and wanted her to tell me that God loves me very much.

Eventually, she encouraged me to go to a church and also gave me her contact if I ever needed someone to talk to.

That encounter made me wonder more about God, because I knew that she wouldn’t have done what she did if she wasn’t prompted by the Holy Spirit.

That was when I realised that God was making His presence known in my life through these people.

A new beginning

The real turning point came when I eventually attended an Alpha course.

Growing up, I had always thought that religion and faith were about superstitions. I was surprised to find out that there could be a logical basis to the Christian faith.

This weekly Alpha course was a place where I got to clear my doubts about God and Christianity gradually. I also found it helpful that the organisers of the course were not pressurising.

They were patient in answering my questions and simply invited me back week after week, hoping that I could get to know Jesus more.

While I had those supernatural experiences through those people that God sent into my life, I found that developing a rational understanding of the faith was also very important to me.

It changed the way I think about Christianity, and taught me that Christianity is a faith that is consistent in both my understanding and my experience.

Eventually, with the help of these people, I committed to being a follower of Jesus and started attending church.

Jesus: Refuge, strength and help

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”

(Psalm 46:1-3)

Looking back, as much as my life could seem like a disaster, I now know that God has been pursuing me on this journey.

God has brought me to come to know Him, and He has strengthened my faith through all these experiences in my life.

Through these valley lows in my life, God has taught me that He is really my only refuge and strength. And He is my ever-present help in trouble.

While my relationship with my parents has not yet been restored, I know that God is also bringing me on a journey of forgiveness.

With proper boundaries in place, I try to drop them a text or call on special occasions, and I try to have at least a meal with them every year during Chinese New Year.

While I may not know how to change them or meet their needs, I sincerely hope that they will one day come to know Jesus.

I know that Jesus is the only One who can change them, just as how He has found me and redeemed my life.

I believe that this is the best form of forgiveness that I could offer them.

Tony is currently staying in an Anglican psychiatric shelter and exploring his interest in photography. You can support his artwork here.

This article first appeared in the web-site known as Thirst. Co-writers: Dawson Ng and Gabriel Ong.

#talmid